Am I Spoiling My Baby?
Many parents worry they may be spoiling their baby with too much
love and attention. On the one hand, they feel a strong urge to
respond quickly when their baby signals that she is upset.
But at the same time, they think that by responding to every
cry, they might be making their baby overly dependent and clingy
or teaching him that he always will get what he wants. Sometimes
friends or even the baby's grandparents say things like, "Why
do you jump every time she cries? It's good for babies to cry!"
Babies who have been responded to quickly and consistently...
actually cry less than babies who have been left to cry.
Well, take heart! Your instincts to respond right away to your
baby's cries are right on track. Recent research has shown that
responding to your baby's cries will NOT spoil your baby. In fact,
babies who have been responded to quickly and consistently, especially
during the first six to eight months of life, actually cry less
than babies who have been left to cry. And, as toddlers, the babies
whose cries were responded to promptly and consistently are more
independent than the children whose cries were not responded to.
It seems that one of the most important things for a baby to
learn is that others will respond to him in a caring and predictable
way. This also tells him that he is capable of making his needs
known and getting a response. These experiences allow the baby
to develop a strong trust in others and in self, a basic sense
of security that the world is a good, safe place to be and that
he can play an active role in this world.
When that security is established in infancy, then the child
is free to begin exploring the world on her own, knowing that
she can seek and receive help and comfort when she needs it. So
it makes good sense that a child whose cries were responded to
in infancy will be less likely to be whiny, clingy, and "spoiled,"
and will be more likely to be confident, independent, and ready
to go out and explore and learn.
You may be saying to yourself, "But I can't ALWAYS respond to
my child!" Of course you can't-no one can. It is the "average"
of experiences that is important to your child, so USUALLY responding
promptly should be enough.
It's also important to keep in mind that "responding" doesn't
only mean big responses like feeding or taking your baby to bed
with you. In fact, if that were the only way you responded to
your baby's cries, your baby might become "spoiled" in a way,
having learned that the only way to be comforted is to be fed
or to go to bed with Mom or Dad. So it's good to know and use
a variety of ways of responding to your baby.
Crying is...one of the major ways your baby has of communicating
with you.
Sometimes if you respond when your baby first begins to fuss,
just the sound of your voice will be enough to help him settle
down. With a young baby, moving close to him and talking softly
in his ear can be very effective. Other times, holding your hand
firmly but gently on the baby's back or tummy will calm her. For
very young babies, crossing their arms over their tummies or wrapping
them snugly in a blanket may help them to feel more calm and organized.
When they become more upset, their arms flail wildly, which just
makes them feel more upset. Your baby's cry also may be a way
of asking for a change of diaper.
The important thing to remember is that your baby's cry is a
way of asking for something. It is one of the major ways your
baby has of communicating with you. Just as you like to be listened
to when you talk, so does your baby. This is the basis for your
baby's development of good feelings and self and others, feelings
he or she will carry forward through life.
Martha Farrell Erickson
The "Question About Kids" series is published by the Center
for Early Education and Development to provide state-of-the-art
information about young children and families. They are reviewed
by a panel of child development experts at the University of Minnesota.
For further information, contact the Center at 612-624-5780.
University of Minnesota Center for Early Education
and Development 207 Pattee Hall 150 Pillsbury Drive S.E. Minneapolis,
MN 55455
These materials may be freely reproduced for education/training
or related activities. There is no requirement to obtain special
permission for such uses. We do, however, ask that the following
citation appear on all reproductions:
Reprinted with permission by the Center for Early Education and
Development (CEED), College of Education and Human Development.
University of Minnesota. 215 Pattee Hall. 150 Pillsbury Drive
Southeast. Minneapolis, Minnesota, 55455.
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