What to Expect in
Your Relationship the First Year
The birth of a baby brings great joy
and excitement, but it can also
bring stress and strain on the
parents’ relationship. Adjusting
from a twosome to a threesome can be
one of the most difficult times in a
relationship.
You read all the pregnancy, birth
and child rearing books, but all
suddenly with the birth of your baby
there is no time for yourself, let
alone your relationship with your
spouse. Feelings get hurt, people
feel taken for granted, everyone is
tired and emotionally depleted.
Without acknowledging the impact on
the relationship (in hope that it
will just return to “normal”) it is
the baby’s first birthday and the
issues are still there:feelings get
hurt, people feel taken for granted,
everyone is tired and emotionally
depleted.
A
major strain during this stage of
life comes with the newly formed
roles within the family. For women,
you go from highly functioning,
multi-taskers to feeling completely
inadequate and under-appreciated
with your new role of mother and
wife. Many women have stated that
they felt “in control” of their
lives before the baby and now
struggle with memory loss, energy
loss, mood swings, and once
easy/quick household chores are now
requiring much more effort. In
other words, they have moved from
being in control over home, work and
relationship to questioning their
ability to function even in the most
minimal household tasks. For men,
there is often confusion over one’s
role as a father of a newborn. He
may not know what to do. He can see
that his wife, the woman that he
loves, is struggling and he may feel
inadequate about how to help. For
problem-solvers there is not an easy
solution. Thus, he may work harder
at what he is comfortable doing,
working at his career and
financially providing for his
family. However, what his wife may
need is the emotional connection,
the statement that he understands
what she is going through even if
she cannot put it into words. Here
lies the core issue of relationship
problems during the first year with
a baby in the family. Exhaustion
certainly adds to the strain and the
stress, and it may become difficult
to think straight or make time for
each other.
Hopefully the following few ideas
may provide some relief.
·
Acknowledge that the relationship
has undergone a major life
transition. The relationship has
changed and the previous roles and
ways of relating to each other have
changed. Old issues may arise due to
the strain and stress of
adjusting. Problems or disagreements
may create a feeling of desperation
or even depression. Acknowledging
the feelings is a part of the
process and it may lower the stress
and begin to remedy the isolation
each is experiencing.
·
Remember what you love and like
about each other. When roles
change, people change; it is also
easiest to “take things out” on the
closest person to you. This is a
time for teamwork, not working
against each other. If it is
difficult to discuss needs and
concerns in terms of teamwork, then
write a letter describing what you
need to work together. However, in
order to do this with sensitivity
and consideration, you need to
remember what you love and like
about your spouse. Highlight the
strengths which he or she brings to
the family.
·
Continue to prioritize your
relationship. It is easy to get
lost in the baby’s world and forget
about yourself and your
relationship. It will take
conscious planning to “schedule in”
time for each other. Spontaneous
time is gone for awhile. If
possible, schedule at least 20
minutes a day to be present with one
another.
·
Go easy on yourself; you have just
become parents. It is quite an
adjustment and will take some work
to feel comfortable and confident
within your new life.
·
Finally, communicate, communicate,
communicate. After sharing all of
the things the baby has done
throughout the day, share how you
are feeling and what you need.
Also, remember to listen to how
his/her day went and his/her needs
and feelings.
Yes, this is a very difficult time
in the relationship and there is
never enough time or energy. As the
baby grows and develops the
relationship will grow and develop
too. You will eventually have time
together again, be able to
communicate in real sentences again
and actually sleep through the night
uninterrupted.
If you take nothing else from this
article, please acknowledge the role
changes in the family and the need
to prioritize the your
relationship. These are challenging
times; it will not always be this
way and you and your relationship
can continue to grow and flourish.
Cindy Hill-Ford, MA, MFT, MOM is a
psychotherapist in private practice
in Lafayette and Berkeley. She
contracts as a Behavior Modification
Specialist to a foster family
agency. Currently she is forming a
Bonding With Your Baby Group. For
questions or comments, please
contact her at (925) 210-9964 or
hillford@sbcglobal.net.
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