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Guilt of
Motherhood: They go hand in hand
Guilt
seems to be the common denominator
which spans all cultures, ages,
marital status, and economic
backgrounds. We can all agree that
guilt tends to impact our daily
lives including the way we parent
and our view of ourselves.
Basically, there is not enough of
you to go around, which leaves you
feeling guilty because you are
unable to fulfill the needs of those
around you.
Guilt can be compounded by various
factors. Our age can be a leading
cause of guilt. Either we are not
old enough or “too old” to parent.
We are parenting at all ages, these
days. Guilt makes us second-guess
ourselves. “I do not know as much or
I cannot provide enough as other
mothers.” Or my favorite, “I am not
a good mother, because….” For the
“younger” mothers, we tend to
second-guess our abilities to parent
due to our “inexperience” or lack of
resources. For the “mature” mothers,
we tend to second-guess our
abilities to parent due to our
“exhaustion” or inner fears. In both
cases, we tend to compare ourselves
to other mothers and decide that
“they” must be doing EVERYTHING
better than we are.
The truth is (or at least my truth)
parenting is difficult for all, no
matter what age, economic background
or ethnicity. Being a single parent
is truly a difficult job; one has
the common guilt associated with
parenthood which then is multiplied
with the added guilt of being a
single parent. One never feels that
he/she is providing enough for
his/her children. And the truth is,
parenting is a team effort and when
all of the responsibility is placed
on one person, needs can go unmet.
However, one person can only do as
much as one person can do. That is
just a fact. Understanding
limitations is the first step to
accepting the reality that we are
doing the best we can. Our goal is
to be a “Good Enough Mother”. This
is the acceptance that yes, some
needs are going to go unmet and the
child may have to make some
sacrifices BUT Good enough is
Enough! Children will grow and
develop into successful adults even
when (or especially when) all their
needs were not met. This allows for
children to learn skills to achieve
their own needs.
We can put an inordinate amount of
pressure on ourselves to be able to
do everything. Women do have
superpowers, but we all have our
limits. There will be times when our
kids act out in public, have a
temper tantrum at the grandparents’
house or throw a fit in the grocery
store and these behaviors do not
reflect our parenting abilities.
However, it is difficult in the
moment not take these behaviors
personally, fearing that some how we
caused it by not being “good
enough.” Other people’s children
don’t have temper tantrums, right?
I enjoy leading parenting groups
because this setting provides
parents the opportunity to hear that
temper tantrums happens in every
family, and that even when we are
doing our very best, we still may
feel guilty about our role as a
parent, wife or friend. I describe
the developmental stages of
parenthood. Briefly, when children
are young and dependent on us to
meet their every need (or at least
their basic needs) or guilt levels
are high. This can last through
pre-school and even into elementary
school. But, as our children grow
and become more independent, we can
get a break from our guilt.
Fortunately, there is a period where
we can enjoy the benefits of our
hard work. For a number of years in
elementary school our parenting
guilt changes and lessens. We may
feel extra pressure and stress from
homework and extra curricular
activities, but we tend to be a
little easier on ourselves. Often
there is a break from our guilt as
our children become more
independent.
I highlight the role of guilt in our
lives in hopes to normalizing these
feelings; I believe guilt is
universal. From this understanding,
we can begin to give ourselves
permission to be human, accept our
limitations and acknowledge our
strengths. Talking to others is good
medicine. We understand that we are
not alone with these feelings and
that it will be o.k. Remember you do
have super powers, but you are also
human. Be good to yourself and enjoy
the guilt free moments. You are
“Good enough!”
Cindy Hill-Ford, MA, MFT, MOM is a
psychotherapist in private practice
in Lafayette and Berkeley. She
contracts as a Behavior Modification
Specialist to a foster family
agency. Currently she is forming a
Bonding With Your Baby Group. For
questions or comments, please
contact her at (925) 210-9964 or
hillford@sbcglobal.net.
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