Guilt of
Motherhood: They go hand in hand
Family: a word that holds a great
deal of weight in our lives. At
times we may feel that we are
randomly assigned to our families,
wondering how we are all connected,
feeling “different” from the people
to whom we are biologically
connected. The weight of our family
may cause undue pressure and stress
in our lives, affecting the way in
which we relate to our children and
our spouse. For the purpose of this
article, family is our extended
family or our family of origin.
No
matter where we go or how we change,
our family continues to impact our
lives through our thoughts and our
decisions. As parents we work hard
at creating a family life that is
nurturing, loving and supportive.
We want our children to feel
special, connected. Women tend to
be the “glue” which holds the family
together. When we marry we have
another family to be involved in.
If we are lucky enough to have
healthy relationships with our own
family members, we now have a new
family where we must learn their
rules, customs and traditions in
order to participate effectively.
We now have at least two families
who play major roles in our lives
and many players who will
potentially impact our daily
interactions with our spouse and
children.
Family can cause the most pain and
provide the greatest joy in our
lives. We tend to do things for our
family that we would never do for
anyone else. Family can also wound
us more deeply than anyone else.
This hurt is cumulative and can
encompass all of our past pain and
disappointment. If we never felt
understood or genuinely appreciated
by our family, we find it difficult
to trust the fact that others
understand and appreciate us.
It
sometimes takes a great deal of
inner work and maturity to let go of
the past pain caused within our
family and to accept those close to
us. When we can resolve for
ourselves our past pains, we are
freer and more open to new
possibilities. Our expectations of
others become more realistic,
therefore minimizing the grief and
loss of not getting our needs met or
not being understood. We no longer
need to seek the approval or
understanding of our family to feel
self-confident or assured.
Resolving past pain and
disappointment within our family is
essential in developing healthy
relationships and providing a
healthy frame for parenting. The
big question is how to do this.
Yes, therapy is helpful, but not
mandatory. Self-awareness can
happen through many forms.
Some thoughts to get started:
·
Spend some concentrated time on
understanding your family system.
What are the roles each member plays
within your family, why were these
roles essential for your family’s
structure, what role did you play
within your family and how has this
role carried on in your current
life. (These roles are not
necessarily negative) Being a
caregiver, for example, is a good
thing. For caregivers, it is
important to have the balance of
caring for yourself, as well as
others.
·
Have clear expectations of family
members.
We get hurt over and over again by
“expecting” family members to
operate differently. When we are
able to accept members where they
are and highlight the strength in
their contribution, the hurt
lessens.
·
Acknowledge both the positive and
negative attributes which you have
learned from family.
If the negative has outweighed the
positive, it is difficult to
acknowledge anything positive.
However, we have all gained
something positive somewhere. This
can be seen in inner strength,
strong independence, driven
abilities, or a sense of humor to
name a few. Acknowledging a few
positive attributes can help with
letting go of the unmet needs, thus,
coming closer to acceptance.
·
Lastly, understand that the
healthier you become provides for a
new and different relationship with
family.
When one member of a family system
changes, then the rest is affected
by this change. This may become a
potentially new challenge. This new
you may bring new stress and lack of
understanding. However, you can
feel confident in your understanding
of the relationships and your role
within the family. It may be
important to have new boundaries to
go along with the new acceptance.
Family is here to stay, whether we
have daily contact or no contact.
We do have control over our
understanding and desire to have a
healthy relationship. Cherish the
joy and minimize the pain as best as
you can. Good luck on the emotional
roller coaster ride of life. It is
quite a ride.
Cindy Hill-Ford, MA, MFT, MOM is a
psychotherapist in private practice
in Lafayette and Berkeley. She
contracts as a Behavior Modification
Specialist to a foster family
agency. Currently she is forming a
Bonding With Your Baby Group. For
questions or comments, please
contact her at (925) 210-9964 or
hillford@sbcglobal.net.
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