Guilt of Motherhood: They go hand in hand

Guilt seems to be the common denominator which spans all cultures, ages, marital status, and economic backgrounds. We can all agree that guilt tends to impact our daily lives including the way we parent and our view of ourselves. Basically, there is not enough of you to go around, which leaves you feeling guilty because you are unable to fulfill the needs of those around you.

Guilt can be compounded by various factors. Our age can be a leading cause of guilt. Either we are not old enough or “too old” to parent. We are parenting at all ages, these days. Guilt makes us second-guess ourselves. “I do not know as much or I cannot provide enough as other mothers.” Or my favorite, “I am not a good mother, because….” For the “younger” mothers, we tend to second-guess our abilities to parent due to our “inexperience” or lack of resources. For the “mature” mothers, we tend to second-guess our abilities to parent due to our “exhaustion” or inner fears. In both cases, we tend to compare ourselves to other mothers and decide that “they” must be doing EVERYTHING better than we are.

The truth is (or at least my truth) parenting is difficult for all, no matter what age, economic background or ethnicity. Being a single parent is truly a difficult job; one has the common guilt associated with parenthood which then is multiplied with the added guilt of being a single parent. One never feels that he/she is providing enough for his/her children. And the truth is, parenting is a team effort and when all of the responsibility is placed on one person, needs can go unmet. However, one person can only do as much as one person can do. That is just a fact. Understanding limitations is the first step to accepting the reality that we are doing the best we can. Our goal is to be a “Good Enough Mother”. This is the acceptance that yes, some needs are going to go unmet and the child may have to make some sacrifices BUT Good enough is Enough! Children will grow and develop into successful adults even when (or especially when) all their needs were not met. This allows for children to learn skills to achieve their own needs.

We can put an inordinate amount of pressure on ourselves to be able to do everything. Women do have superpowers, but we all have our limits. There will be times when our kids act out in public, have a temper tantrum at the grandparents’ house or throw a fit in the grocery store and these behaviors do not reflect our parenting abilities. However, it is difficult in the moment not take these behaviors personally, fearing that some how we caused it by not being “good enough.” Other people’s children don’t have temper tantrums, right?

I enjoy leading parenting groups because this setting provides parents the opportunity to hear that temper tantrums happens in every family, and that even when we are doing our very best, we still may feel guilty about our role as a parent, wife or friend. I describe the developmental stages of parenthood. Briefly, when children are young and dependent on us to meet their every need (or at least their basic needs) or guilt levels are high. This can last through pre-school and even into elementary school. But, as our children grow and become more independent, we can get a break from our guilt. Fortunately, there is a period where we can enjoy the benefits of our hard work. For a number of years in elementary school our parenting guilt changes and lessens. We may feel extra pressure and stress from homework and extra curricular activities, but we tend to be a little easier on ourselves. Often there is a break from our guilt as our children become more independent.

I highlight the role of guilt in our lives in hopes to normalizing these feelings; I believe guilt is universal. From this understanding, we can begin to give ourselves permission to be human, accept our limitations and acknowledge our strengths. Talking to others is good medicine. We understand that we are not alone with these feelings and that it will be o.k. Remember you do have super powers, but you are also human. Be good to yourself and enjoy the guilt free moments. You are “Good enough!”


Cindy Hill-Ford, MA, MFT, MOM is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lafayette and Berkeley. She contracts as a Behavior Modification Specialist to a foster family agency. Currently she is forming a Bonding With Your Baby Group. For questions or comments, please contact her at (925) 210-9964 or hillford@sbcglobal.net.