What is This Family All About?

Family: a word that holds a great deal of weight in our lives.  At times we may feel that we are randomly assigned to our families, wondering how we are all connected, feeling “different” from the people to whom we are biologically connected.  The weight of our family may cause undue pressure and stress in our lives, affecting the way in which we relate to our children and our spouse.  For the purpose of this article, family is our extended family or our family of origin.

No matter where we go or how we change, our family continues to impact our lives through our thoughts and our decisions.  As parents we work hard at creating a family life that is nurturing, loving and supportive.  We want our children to feel special, connected.  Women tend to be the “glue” which holds the family together.  When we marry we have another family to be involved in.  If we are lucky enough to have healthy relationships with our own family members, we now have a new family where we must learn their rules, customs and traditions in order to participate effectively.  We now have at least two families who play major roles in our lives and many players who will potentially impact our daily interactions with our spouse and children. 

Family can cause the most pain and provide the greatest joy in our lives.  We tend to do things for our family that we would never do for anyone else.  Family can also wound us more deeply than anyone else.  This hurt is cumulative and can encompass all of our past pain and disappointment.  If we never felt understood or genuinely appreciated by our family, we find it difficult to trust the fact that others understand and appreciate us. 

It sometimes takes a great deal of inner work and maturity to let go of the past pain caused within our family and to accept those close to us.  When we can resolve for ourselves our past pains, we are freer and more open to new possibilities.  Our expectations of others become more realistic, therefore minimizing the grief and loss of not getting our needs met or not being understood.  We no longer need to seek the approval or understanding of our family to feel self-confident or assured. 

Resolving past pain and disappointment within our family is essential in developing healthy relationships and providing a healthy frame for parenting.  The big question is how to do this.  Yes, therapy is helpful, but not mandatory.  Self-awareness can happen through many forms.   

Some thoughts to get started:

·                     Spend some concentrated time on understanding your family system.  What are the roles each member plays within your family, why were these roles essential for your family’s structure, what role did you play within your family and how has this role carried on in your current life.  (These roles are not necessarily negative)  Being a caregiver, for example, is a good thing.  For caregivers, it is important to have the balance of caring for yourself, as well as others.

·                     Have clear expectations of family members.  We get hurt over and over again by “expecting” family members to operate differently.  When we are able to accept members where they are and highlight the strength in their contribution, the hurt lessens. 

·                     Acknowledge both the positive and negative attributes which you have learned from family.  If the negative has outweighed the positive, it is difficult to acknowledge anything positive.  However, we have all gained something positive somewhere.  This can be seen in inner strength, strong independence, driven abilities, or a sense of humor to name a few.  Acknowledging a few positive attributes can help with letting go of the unmet needs, thus, coming closer to acceptance.

·                     Lastly, understand that the healthier you become provides for a new and different relationship with family.  When one member of a family system changes, then the rest is affected by this change.  This may become a potentially new challenge.  This new you may bring new stress and lack of understanding.  However, you can feel confident in your understanding of the relationships and your role within the family.  It may be important to have new boundaries to go along with the new acceptance. 

Family is here to stay, whether we have daily contact or no contact.  We do have control over our understanding and desire to have a healthy relationship.  Cherish the joy and minimize the pain as best as you can.  Good luck on the emotional roller coaster ride of life.  It is quite a ride.

Cindy Hill-Ford, MA, MFT, MOM is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lafayette and Berkeley.  She contracts as a Behavior Modification Specialist to a foster family agency.  Currently she is forming a Bonding With Your Baby Group.  For questions or comments, please contact her at (925) 210-9964 or hillford@sbcglobal.net.